That’s a hard one.
For a time I identified myself as “Infertile” and wore it like a badge of bitterness. I loathed and envied anyone that had babies or was pregnant and if I found out you didn’t have to TRY to get pregnant, well, you were dead to me for a time until my mind could heal.
I may as well have introduced myself to people as “Hi, I’m Mandy and I’m infertile.” That’s how I felt.
The bitterness went away and the numb came, it’s still here. Mostly now when a friend or family member becomes pregnant and then later has their little one if feel nothing. No happy, no celebration, no smile but also no anger, no bitterness, just, nothing. There are exeptions though..
On Mothers Day this year was the day my AF was due as was my friend “V”. We *were* going to test on the same day and hopefully get the best Mother’s Day gift ever. I ended up Oing a little early thus making AF a day early too so I was out, no testing for me. I logged onto BBC via my phone and saw a post by V called Happy Mothers Day, I opened the link and BAM! there was a pic of her positive HPT, she had done it, she got that awesome gift. I congratulated her because that’s what you do, right? As I showed Rob the post I get a text from V telling me to look at her post on BBC, I replied I had already and congrats again. I don’t remember what else was said except her last text said she loved me.
See, V has had a hard journey too, she KNOWS what I feel. Her “Love you!” sent me over, I threw the phone and cried in bed, I just want to be a mommy too. How much more do I have to suffer and endure, why am I not worthy? It took me 2 days to recover. Yes, I was jealous of my friend, mad at her, no, sad that I’m now the last one in our circle of friends to not be pregnant, yes.
As far as I’m aware, not a single person has suffered infertility, on my moms side I’m the ONLY one that has had to TRY and PLAN having a child, no one gets it. My uncles partner actually called me BAREN! Stupid prick. The look of mortification on my uncle though, priceless. I loved my uncle for that.
Any ways, what does being infertile mean to me? It means that I’m apart of the 1 in 8 couples in America that go through this. We are a special kind of sisterhood that suffer in silence mostly. It means I’m having to fight, plead, go broke, breakdown, become stronger and wiser in my journey that so many take for granted.
It means that I’ll never give up.