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What does being infertile mean to me?

That’s a hard one.

For a time I identified myself as “Infertile” and wore it like a badge of bitterness.  I loathed and envied anyone that had babies or was pregnant and if I found out you didn’t have to TRY to get pregnant, well, you were dead to me for a time until my mind could heal.

I may as well have introduced myself to people as “Hi, I’m Mandy and I’m infertile.”  That’s how I felt.

The bitterness went away and the numb came, it’s still here.  Mostly now when a friend or family member becomes pregnant and then later has their little one if feel nothing.  No happy, no celebration, no smile but also no anger, no bitterness, just, nothing.  There are exeptions though..

On Mothers Day this year was the day my AF was due as was my friend “V”.  We *were* going to test on the same day and hopefully get the best Mother’s Day gift ever.  I ended up Oing a little early thus making AF a day early too so I was out, no testing for me.  I logged onto BBC via my phone and saw a post by V called Happy Mothers Day, I opened the link and BAM! there was a pic of her positive HPT, she had done it, she got that awesome gift. I congratulated her because that’s what you do, right?  As I showed Rob the post I get a text from V telling me to look at her post on BBC, I replied I had already and congrats again.  I don’t remember what else was said except her last text said she loved me.

See, V has had a hard journey too, she KNOWS what I feel.  Her “Love you!” sent me over, I threw the phone and cried in bed, I just want to be a mommy too. How much more do I have to suffer and endure, why am I not worthy?  It took me 2 days to recover. Yes, I was jealous of my friend, mad at her, no, sad that I’m now the last one in our circle of friends to not be pregnant, yes.

My family…

As far as I’m aware, not a single person has suffered infertility, on my moms side I’m the ONLY one that has had to TRY and PLAN having a child, no one gets it.  My uncles partner actually called me BAREN!  Stupid prick. The look of mortification on my uncle though, priceless.  I loved my uncle for that.

Any ways, what does being infertile mean to me?  It means that I’m apart of the 1 in 8 couples in America that go through this.  We are a special kind of sisterhood that suffer in silence mostly. It means I’m having to fight, plead, go broke, breakdown, become stronger and wiser in my journey that so many take for granted.

It means that I’ll never give up.

About serenitysomedayttc

I'm happily married to a wonderful man and Step-mom to a shenanigan loving teenage boy.

23 responses »

  1. You dear Mandy, are very strong. Thank you for sharing in your blog. Being ‘infertile’ is a hard pill to swallow. I’m actually still in denile. It does bother me when other people take how easy they get pregnant for granted. You said it best with..
    It means that I’ll never give up.

    You’ve also taught me a lot with your knowledge, for that I thank you.

    Reply
  2. Mandy, you are so so strong. I admire your knowledge on this subject. I’ve been trying for 9 months now, and every time I want to complain about how long this has taken, I try to remember there are others that have tried so much longer. This must mean that we will be great mothers one day, and not take one second for granted.

    Reply
  3. You took the words right out my mouth and my heart. You describe everything I’ve felt or am feeling. I haven’t found the numbness yet. I’m still bitter and angry. I’m sure I’ll get there in time. ((Hugs))

    Reply
  4. I will not stop believing my baby will not hold her baby one day. Love you dearly Mouse.

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  5. I know exactly what you mean, Mandy. When Erin got her BFP it took me a LONG time to be TRULY happy for her. She was my best TTC buddy. We were together right from the start. I felt like I lost my friend (which in some ways, I have.. we’re definitely not as close anymore). I always thought I’d be ecstatic – and I was! But it was tainted with jealousy. I was so green. It sucks that IF does that to you. Disallows you to be 100% truly purely happy for a friend. She’s 20 weeks pregnant today and it’s STILL hard. She’s picking out names and nursery colors while I’m pondering if the Preseed is really helping and did I lay with my butt up in the air long enough after BD last night. I’m jealous. It sucks. The title of this blog post reminds me of when I went and saw a therapist who specializes in infertility a few months ago. One of the first things she said to me was, “How does it feel to be infertile?” First of all, we hadn’t hit the 1 year mark yet, so I quickly corrected her that we weren’t “technically” infertile yet, not that it really mattered. Secondly, the tone in which she said it and just the question in general struck me as rude. How the fuck do you think it feels? It fucking sucks. What do other people say to that question, lady? Geez. Needless to say, I never went back. I wanted someone who *knew* about infertility, who could impose some great wisdom on me and make me feel better. And she ended up making me feel the same as all idiots who know nothing about infertility make me feel – shitty. What does being infertile mean to me? It’s the ultimate in what your parents used to say when you were little and said, “That’s not fair!” — LIFE ISN’T FAIR! That’s what infertility means to me. Life isn’t fucking fair.

    Reply
  6. Wow, this is a great post and describes the feelings I have almost perfectly. Thank you for sharing your struggles and feelings.

    (I found your blog through babycenter. Love the song your link was attached to.)

    Reply
  7. Mandy!! Well I another one. I’ve been trying since I was 16.. Dumb age, yes. But none the less. I am 25 now… On my 21st birthday I was informed I have holes in my vovaries. The heart break I felt. My friends around me and even my brother were expecting their 1st, 2nd, ir 3rd child. How my heart broke. I now envy still my friends.. Two just had their 1st & 3rd… Another just found out she is having her 2nd. I yearn and crave a child. But with my defect… I have a 0-2% chance of ever having my dream. I have 3 kids in my life whom call me Mom. But my two oldest keep asking when they will have a sibling from me… My youngest is 3 & really doesn’t care. I feel the struggle you are going through and wish you as well as the others out there deserving of a child (have seen too many mothers whom have a couple and choose other things over their children) the best of luck and lots of loves!!

    Reply
  8. Just wanted to let you know I saw you on BBC on the “photo reading” thread…

    I don’t know your pain, I won’t pretend to. It’s one of the worst pains you could ever feel.

    But I also just wanted to let you know…you WILL have a baby. First impression I got from you. I went to look at your signature (I love reading names) and was really shocked when I saw TTC 56 cycles…heartbreaking but I PROMISE you that you will be a mommy!

    I will light a candle for you. Just keep your hope together.

    Reply
  9. thank you for putting the words to how i feel. I had a miscarriage almost a year ago. Within a few weeks my younger sister was pregnant. She recently had her beautiful baby. I was very sad after the miscarriage. Then angry. Of course scared that I will not get prgenant. Many feelings. All very exhausting. I am getting numb.Probably as a way to conserve energy.I am the most scared that I am starting to lose the energy to keep trying. The numbness is soemthing I have begun to protect. I limit the time around my sister, the baby, and also my mother. I need the time, rest, and numbness to get better.

    Reply
  10. Hi Mandy, I linked to your blog from Still Standing on FB. I have experienced years of IF and then loss as well. Mother’s Day was a day that I hated for almost 10 years. Numb was a familiar feeling to me. It came in handy when I had my miscarriage and then a year later when I finally had my first living child premature at only 29 weeks gestation. I was completely numb. I could hardly even cry. But after so many years of IF, a preemie was a victory, right? I’ve since had another loss and 2 more living children. I hope and pray that you will have as many as you want some day.

    Reply
  11. Mandy, this is such an honest post and u r amazing. I can’t say I’ve ever hated anyone for being pregnant but I do feel “why can’t it be me.” When my SIL recently gave birth to twins after four rounds of IVF I was genuinely excited for her and that sort of gave me hope. She had been trying for 11 years and never gave up. So don’t give up. Your mothers day will come.

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  12. I love your blog and your honesty! you describe exactly how I feel. I just posted a blog entry about the same subject yesterday and the numbness you speak about is the perfect description of what I go through.
    I hope you are blessed with your mothers day gift very soon, Debs xxxx

    Reply
  13. I just started my infertility blog today (a bitter post) and so begins my journey into this online infertile world. You are officially my new favorite blogger.

    Reply
  14. I tear up when I read your blog. You really strike a chord in me and you are very worthy. There are no words from me-just hope. Don’t ever stop. <3

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  15. This blog is old, but still very relevant…March will make 3 years of trying…all the while watching everyone around me have beautiful children.
    I am past numb, sometimes the pain and the tears creep up on me…those are the really hard days…other days, I’m just trying to keep going. It really messes with my head and my sense of being a woman…I feel like, a part of me is missing.

    I really enjoyed your blog, its nice to hear from someone who can share my pain rather than everyone else who tries to “feel what I feel” and encourages me that its just not our time – they never have a clue what I feel, and as far as time, that doesn’t make sense. People who are bad parents or who don’t want kids, its there time to get pregnant?

    Thanks for your post.

    Reply

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